The past tense of the future.

Things grow worse. I find myself unable to change the fate I am doomed to live. Despite my hopes and childlike dreams of a life I feel I should live, I realize the nightmares are happening. Never before have I felt this alone or lost...this hopeless or devoid. It's evil what I feel. It's a despair that inspires the knife to the skin, a poison to the stomach. So dark are the shadows that my spirit has no chance to reach the surface. Everything at this point is against me. An empty, hopeless shell inhabits this life, and continues unwaveringly into a dismal ahead.

I never imagined I would live this nightmare, for it is the life of the already dead. I cannot at the end of the day ascertain what drove me to reach it. In every turn I see the dark and it's outstretched arms, lightning bolt shaped straight to my soul.

I've shed everything and stand forlorn in a gray cold world. What am I to do next? How do I find the way out of this hell I have found myself in? What claws strike at my spirit and aim to destroy it?

Is my destiny short and without the certainty of old age? So far, nothing has been what it should, so why should anything be as it should after?

The paragraphs languish smally as idea fades into oblivion.

Of nature's canvas

I stood out beneath a starry sky and marvelled at the view as I gazed upward like a child. I couldn't help but feel trivial in the grand scheme of things as the sky reached upward far beyond my vision's grasp. The moon was beautiful as it hung slowly in a far off place. We take it for granted just how amazing it is that another world presents itself daily to our apathetic selves. The sky is our greatest, forever-changing canvas, able to wield upon it the most truthful and natural colors. We can only hope to dream of the reds and blues that streak across a setting sky, and their colors defy anything that we could dare to capture even in visions among our slumber. Can there be anything more enrapturing than a sky that paints upon it's infinite edges a shade of color that seems to stretch without limits beyond the range of our sight? The warm whisper of summer's calm breeze pushes us to shudder at the magnitude of nature's ability to convince us that there still exists beauty and perchance, a god with a masterful artist's stroke. Where the ocean and sky meet is the place that we may never wake to.

To continue...

Wow, reading my last blog entry I realize the desperation of the situation. Yeah, it's pretty bad. Things are definitely for the worst now, despite admittedly valiant efforts to remedy it. I've tried, but things beyond my grasp have thwarted my attempts at a satisfaction.

The money situation has not worked out as planned. I seem to have far less than originally projected. Has it been worth it? Yes. Because living on my own has seemed like nothing more than normality, meaning anything but has been abnormality, to put it simply. Nothing better than coming home to a kingdom that is to be forged as I please.

I look forward to Superman Returns. I hope it's good. Right now, it seems like a dream. In fact, I have dreamed of it often as being a totally disappointing movie. It cannot be this. I think only the totality of the Star Wars prequels have equalled the excitement I have for this film. I want to believe a man can fly...again. Superman the Movie was a film that defined my childhood and I have many fond memories of it, including this one. In my tendency nowadays to re-connect with the aspects of my childhood life that made me happy, this film is a perfect conduit. I hope to have the same near limitless expolsion of excitement watching this film as I did when watching the original over two decades ago.

Well, that's all for now, folks. I have more, and so it will be continued very soon.

I haven't written anything of value lately because there hasn't been anything of value to write about. I can't really describe how I feel now, because franky I've never felt like this before. I thought I was past the age of discovering new emotion, but I learn harshly that I am not. I feel like life is a big empty hole, and I am being dragged into it piece by piece, minute by minute. As I am pulled closer, my sanity and livelihood are stripped like meat from the prey of some great predator. I've tried to find something that I could hold onto, to climb away on, and I realize the failure in this. There is no escape, only mere postponement of the inevitable.

The true nature of life is a very painful blow to the reality that we cling to. Many are fortunate to fill their life with enough things to absorb this blow. Some of us, however, are not as lucky. And we reel fully when it finds it's devastating mark upon our spirits. I didn't think life could be this dreadful way.

Sometimes my anger and frustration drown out my rememberance of time, so that at the end of the night, I find myself confused at what happened beforehand...at what took up so much time. It's been beyond the powers of my memory as to when the last time I felt joy or happiness. So much that I tend to doubt their existence. There are so many things that could remedy that, yet they're as far away as I am from the moon right now. It only adds to the load of despair that hangs heavily on me all the time.
It affects my sleep, my habits, my hobbies, my thoughts. It's like a great leak that seeps forever into every facet of my life, without end. There's no proper way to fight it. It's an evil, cheating, bent-on-murder opponent who cannot be stopped.

And this is the true nature of life; that there is no true nature. There are only those that are happy and those that aren't. Those that succeed and those that wake up one morning and realize that they haven't. Those that wake up without regard to life and those that have a closer regard to death. Those that see nothing but light and warmth, those that can't help but to shudder at the darkness and cold that greets them every day. Life doesn't care, it doesn't help. It can be a calm stream or a brutal killing river.

It's late now. I have to find a movie that can perchance help to shrug off this overwhelming feeling of utter despair I have now. I need something that can help me forget. I need something that can remind me that hope may actually exist, because right now to be honest, I have serious doubts. I may be up all night...

We'll see...

One begins to see beyond the hollow transparency of life, like the clear plastic cloth thrown across some old person's furniture. You can't touch it, but it's there. You wander about and reach, but are quickly admonished by life's superintendent...and with a smack upon the hand, set about undiminished but fearful. Who are we to question life's design, we are set upon it's path without the capacity to question it -- with suspicion on my part I may add. Maybe one sober day I can decipher the encrypted ramblings of my soul. Until then, I have to deal with it's incomprendible side effects, which echo into my mind like madness. I can't rip it out like some unseemly splinter or some ill-placed speck of dirt. Why does life trip us up and send us spiraling confused into the puddle of our spilled memories? What form has this life? What purpose serves our existence...or vice versa? Why are we here but to suffer and take from that the means to postpone further suffering? I cannot accept that our being is mere coincidence from the collision of nature and some unforseen intervention. Who's stage do we dance about in the pursuit of that which makes us feel better about existing? Do they laugh at us? Do they critique our performances? Do they mock and jest like drunken clowns at our many misfortunes? Something here isn't right, and it will kill us to discover the true nature of why we are here. It is our trade off. Why is there sadness or frustration or madness or depression or anything that rots our mind. Oh well... I give up.

The Battle

The battle for my own life has begun. There are no heroes or enemies or medals. There are no victories or defeats. There are only two possible outcomes; life or death. This is the most important battle and I must be ready, for it could be the last one.

Banninated again

This time, I was suspended for awhile from the Home Theater Forum for calling out a forum moderator on his rude behavior. This guy is a jerk really. Some poor poster made a thread about a topic that already existed and this mod replies with a smart ass little remark about the search feature. So the guy replies in the existing thread and I reply after, stating that I thought the mod was rather rude. BUT I also contribute something meaningful to the topic. Lo and behold, my post is very prompty deleted (like within a matter of minutes) and I get an email from the same mod (what a surprise) that I have been suspended. The email contains NO reason or violation notice, nor does it tell me how long I'm banned for. Asshole.

So I send the board owner a very well articulated, perfectly respectful email about my situation and how I feel that the mod in question has been unable to hold himself to the same standards that he holds forums users to (and later bans because of). He can make a rude comment and when a poster does the same -- although in my case, I wasn't so much as rude as beligerent I suppose -- they gets banned.

I've noticed that the jerk moderator has a tendency to be rather rude and impolite to forum users, especially when they upset him greatly by opening an existing topic. Maybe he was abused when he was a young forum poster by his oppressive forum moderator father and now he's exacting revenge on the cold, cruel, double-posting world one ban at a time.

Still no response from the forum owner.

Thank fuckin god!!

Finally, my 'Upcoming Films for 2006' list is DONE. It only took two months : / I'm still working on my 'Best of 2005' list, which should be done before the year 2219 (hopefully). Now I can post my sporadic drunken ramblings freely again.

I've been sick for the last four or so days. Nothing much, just my yearly sinus infection that tortures me. I'm about over it now and I go back to work tomorrow morning for the first time since Sunday. I can't wait to get back to my usual routine. Feels like I've been gone or something.

This month has been Bill Hell Month. Cell, power, and cable bills are all higher than usual, not to mention insurance. Everything is paid right now and I have a little left over for food, gas, and/or beer.

Upcoming films for 2006

Like before, I will be updating as I become aware of potentially interesting films. It looks like a pretty damn interesting year coming up, with alot of bold projects that could make or break things. There are alot of familiar faces behind the projects and the potential for either greatness or complete failure is seperated by a razor-thin line. Superman Returns tops this list as my most anticipated film of the year, and is also one of the most anticipated films of all time for me.

Apocalypto - Mel Gibson has big brass ones. I think his movies get progressively better. While not at all religious, I found The Passion of the Christ to be a wonderfully realized version of a story told countless times, but this time with a brutal flair and a wonderfully mystic visual style. The trailer has a funny easter egg that disrupts the serious nature of the work. Is that Saddam? You'll know what I mean when you see it.
Trailer

Casino Royale - I'm a Bond fan but of the Sean Connery era. I thought Pierce Brosnan made an excellent Bond, but everything with the exception of Goldeneye was crap that got progressively worse. I mean come on...an invisible car??!? And now that Brosnan has gotten the rather abrupt boot, they've got relative newcomer Daniel Craig reporting in as the new 007. I like Craig...but not as Bond. He's just too -- I don't know -- rough to be Bond. He's more suitable as the bad guy. Like Star Trek, this is a franchise that's in dire need of a vacation for awhile until some worthy material can be gathered. While this backtracking of material is a nice move (Casino Royale is an actual Ian Flemming novel, his first in fact), I think it would have been wholly appropriate (and awesome) to make it -- ceremoniously -- Brosnan's last Bond, as Craig I think lacks that 'cool' that this movie will probably require in spades, pun intended. But as will be a common saying with many of these upcoming films, we'll just have to wait and see.

Clerks 2 - Kevin Smith movies are fun and stupid. I like most of them even though they're certainly not pinnacles of modern film. Supposedly, this one is for Jason Mewes, who Kevin Smith promised another role to if he stayed off the junk. Looks like it worked. I hope they shoot this one in black and white also, and try to stay close to the 'shaky' look of the first one. There is a small trailer out, and all I can say is that a dancing Rosario Dawson already guarantees my ass in a seat.
Trailer

The Da Vinci Code - I've never read the book but I am quite aware of the controversy, especially among the bible thumpers which, as always, makes it interesting to me. Sound cast and crew, especially my future wife Audrey Tattou. I really like Tom Hanks, but I would have preferred someone else, maybe Harrison Ford as supposedly the main character was based on. Ron Howard has come a pretty good ways lately, and I was surprised at how much I really liked 2005's Cinderella Man. Trailer looks interesting.
Trailer

The Departed - First of all, this is a remake of a Hong Kong action film called 'Internal Affairs', which I have yet to see. Second of all, the cast looks absolutely spectacular. Thirdly, this is Martin Scorsese. It's a trend that alot of these older generation directors seem to attach themselves to the 'it' movie stars of today (like Woody Allen and Scarlett Johansen) which I don't think is a good thing, especially Scorsese's 'attachment' to Leonardo DiCaprio. He's not a bad actor, it's just that he has been unsuitable in past Scorsese films. One of the reasons I disliked Gangs of New York was because he was so unconvincing as a badass-come-hero and came off as nothing more than a pretty boy with some terrible facial hair. While The Aviator was a great movie, DiCaprio did NOT capture the presence and stature of Howard Hughes in the least. I was never convinced I was watching Hughes; more that I was watching an actor portray him in an entertaining, 'golden era of Hollywood' way that I could forgive. But since I'm a mostly forgiving person (and I don't know anything about the material), I'll give him a chance in this one. The cast is simply amazing though. Jack Nicholson? You've sold me already, chief!

Flags of Our Fathers - World War 2 has had a large focus put on it lately, especially with the European Theater. It looks like the focus is beginning to shift to the Pacific Theater, with 2005's The Great Raid sort of signaling that change. In addition to this new project from Clint Eastwood, we also have a new HBO miniseries focusing on events in the Pacific from the makers of the truly great Band of Brothers, entitled simply The Pacific War. Flags of Our Fathers tells the story of the brutal battle of Iwo Jima from the American side, and the heroic, famous flag raising atop Mt. Suribachi that would become not only a result of the success of the battle, but immortalized in one of the most famous images in history. Most incredibly, Eastwood is also working on a movie at the same time that deals with the Japanese side of the event, entitled Lanterns in the Wind. Supposedly both films will be released at the same time. If this is true, it's an amazing opportunity to see two sides of a conflict in such a close proximity of time, making for a much more objective view of the time. It's a tactic relevant to any time in history, but especially now.

The Fountain - Very few movies have gone through production hell as badly as this one. Darren Aronofsky's previous works, Pi and Requiem for a Dream, are great movies and show a real strength towards visual style. From the trailer, this one looks to be the same if not more. The imagery looks simply amazing, and Aronofsky knows how to put his characters into bizarre and oftentimes desolate situations.
Trailer

Miami Vice - Two words : Michael Mann. This guy is amazing and already has quite the track record. Last year's Collateral was excellent and from the trailer for Miami Vice, it looks like Mann is going to once again going to demonstrate his ability to capture the essence of a location as well as imbue the fim with a realist rawness. Like Collateral, this is being shot on HD DV instead of film which gives the film a realistic, less filtered look, so to speak. I don't like Colin Farrell and think even less of the murderer-supporting Jamie Foxx, but let's hope they can bring a freshness as well as a throwback familiarity to the Crockett and Tubbs characters which is already embedded in most of our 80's culture-ridden minds.
Trailer

Mission Impossible III - It's more of a curiosity than anticipation. It's a shame for Tom Cruise that he can't escape his offscreen antics like his character can escape life-threatening situations. I think what they've done to this franchise is typical of the treatment of older material with it's disgusting revionism. The show was about the team; this franchise is about Tom Cruise, nothing more. It's a ballsy move casting Phillip Seymour Hoffman as a bad guy, and I can't tell if it's an attempt or not to lure in those type of movie viewers that normally flock to his types of film.
Trailer

The New World - I still have yet to see anything by Terrence Malick other than The Thin Red Line, which is one of my favorite movies of all time (probably in the Top 20, if I ever make a list). I love his attention to nature and it looks like this one will convey that detail as well. Word has been good on this one, and all indications are that it is a multi-layered, deeply meditative attempt at bringing to life that era and the characters who braved the dangers of a new world. A very sound cast, including Christopher Plummer and the always great Christian Bale. But then there's Colin Farrell...again.
Trailer

Rambo IV - I admit it. I like the first two Rambo movies. The first one was an enjoyable, moody, violent flick about an animal that had been pushed into a corner and was now striking out against an entire town. It's a nice movie to watch when you feel the whole damn world is against you. The second Rambo was a finely tuned action movie that is extremely entertaining and features one of the finest movie scores ever (RIP Jerry Goldsmith). The third one is pretty much garbage, with only the Goldsmith score and some exciting helicopter chases as redeeming points. In a two-punch combo, Sylvester Stallone has announced he is attempting to resurrect two very 80's franchises (or nearly, in one instance), with Rambo IV being attempt one along with Rocky Balboa, or Rocky VI, being the other. In this newest Rambo adventure (wow, never thought I'd hear myself say that!), the titular warrior goes up against skinheads when a girl is kidnapped or something like that. Now why they don't send him back to Afgahnistan to battle terrorists is beyond me. But this new Rambo, just like the new Rocky, sounds like Rubbish.

Rocky Balboa - (Note: this one is listed as a 2007 film) File this under the same 'trainwreck curiosity' categogy as Mission Impossible and Rambo IV. The first two Rockys were very good movies. The franchise gets worse as it goes along, except for Rocky IV, which was strangely imbued with a lively and intoxicating spirit, plus an excellent training montage. Rocky V...well, no need for explanation. So now 16 years later, a nearly 60 year old Stallone has decided Rocky's story just isn't finished yet. Or he needs more money. So once again Rocky steps back into the ring to get nearly obliterated by his opponent before 'going the distance' to finally win. I wonder if Rocky finally learns to block in this one. From what I've read, this looks like it's going to be as expected; an unnecessary sequel to a long since dead franchise that will do nothing to change that fact.

A Scanner Darkly - Yet another movie based on a book I haven't read. The trailer intrigued me quite a bit since this film is shot very non-conventionally (although done before in films such as Waking Life. The film is shot with digital video and then animators meticulously trace over the live action, or rotoscoping. Why they don't just use the live footage I'm sure is a question for the ages. However, it makes for a very surreal viewing experience which is quite beneficial, especially for a story of this caliber. I'm very curious about this one.
Trailer

Superman Returns - This film is notorious for being even worse in production hell at one time than The Fountain. You can read a pretty thorough history of the production of this film here. It's gone through countless directors and actors, but finally settled on Bryan Singer who dropped X-Men 3 for this. That's bad for X-Men, as Brett Ratface Ratner is now in the director's chair, but it should be a very good thing for Superman. It's hard to describe exactly how I feel about the Richard Donner Superman movie. I absolutely adore it. It's by far my favorite comic book movie and it's also a perfect example of a nearly 'magical' film that just oozes with charm, spirit, and warmth. I'm love/hate with Brandon Routh who is the new Superman. No one can even come close to Christopher Reeve, but sometimes depending on certain pictures or blurbs about Routh, I'm convinced they might have done their best in an attempt to find someone worthy of picking up the fallen torch. While I like the fact that they're planning on using themes from John Williams's INCREDIBLE soundtrack to the first Superman movie, I don't understand why they didn't simply get Williams back on board instead of having John Ottman incorporate the themes alongside his own new material, which surely will be more numerous than the original score in the film. Just going on source material, this is my most anticipated film of 2006.
Trailer

V for Vendetta - I'm finally about to get the graphic novel. Supposedly word is very good on this. Too bad they couldn't hit the November 5th date ("Remember, remember the fifth of November...", watch the teaser to see what could have been). Hugo Weaving is awesome. Early reviews (here, here, and here)from Ain't It Cool News (yes I know, grain of salt alert) have been overwhelmingly positive as if they have perfectly captured the novel and it's message. It's going to be interesting since this novel deals with a terrorist as a protagonist who is trying to usher in the overthrowing of a facist government with a tendency to use murder and explosions to make points. It's marketed like an action movie, but if it's like the book -- and the aforementioned reviews note that it indeed is -- people may be disappointed that it's more of an insinuation of action and a deliberately-paced examination on how we percieve those that are in charge. This film is my second most anticipated film for 2006.
Trailers

X-Men 3 - As noted, I think this film is doomed. Badly. Ratner is nothing more than a fratboy with too much power, and I doubt seriously if he can pull off a comic book film after the pop dreck he's been churning out. And to add insult to injury, this appears to be the final entry in what is a severly underdeveloped trilogy. From what I know through script reviews and the like, it looks like they're cramming this one with too many things going on and too many characters. It's like the film is made of many little stories instead of being one cohesive narrative which leads me to believe this may not be the team-oriented picture that it should. It's a shame. With the success of Batman Begins and the potential of Superman Returns, it looks like DC may take back it's dominance from the 70's and 80's and hold onto it for awhile.
Trailer

Steady as she goes...

My thoughts drift to cool, jewelled sands, glimmering beneath a gloriously golden sun, waves gently tapping at the beach's edges. The infinite reaches of a infinite world stretch out far beyond my sight's meager grasp. I stand and bathe in the wind's warm embrace, and the surge of life taps me on my skin warmed by the sun. The air is electric. The sound of the world whispers to my spirit. The sky above is a blue that exceeds my perception of perfection. I can feel nothing but an absolute joy that only childhood once brought.

Perhaps one day this will be a thought lived and not longed for. I can only hope to see this day instead of dreamed of.